THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING

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Aviation Humor            Aviation Humor

Logo by Stefan Strasser

              

 

 


Pilot Humor

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test...

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

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Three old pilots were walking across the ramp to their airplanes.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday."
Third one says, "Yeah, so am I. Lets go get a beer instead.”

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(For FFDOs Only)

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Some Hot Shot Pilot!

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II.  He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station, skipping recruit training.  The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base.  All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes.  Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well.  Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.

He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed politely, withdrew his samari sword and replied, "You make one velly, velly selious mistake!"

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O. How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. It's done by the auto pilot.

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One mouse tells her girlfriend she dates a bat.
" What is this "thing" you are dating?" 
" It's a bat, a mouse with wings!"
" But he is so ugly!"
" Well, yes, but he is a pilot!"

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As the WWII bomber pilot settled into his seat, he pulled out a .38 revolver and placed it on top of the instrument panel. Turning to the navigator, he asked, "Do you know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, sir, what's it for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you do."

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There was a Captain at Mega Airlines who was listed as the one pilot on almost every first officer’s monthly bid that they would not fly with.

The chief pilot called him into his office and informed him of this fact.
He told him: "There are only two F/Os who didn't avoidance bid you. When they're gone, so are you!"

(This one isn't exactly aviation humor, but it's just too good to pass up. We'll just pretend it was written especially for those of you in your 23rd year of rapid progress toward flying your very own kit plane.)

MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE, part 1

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

today'sTHOT============================

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

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As a C-5 Galaxy landed and cleared the active, it taxied by a Boeing 747 holding short of the runway. The C-5 aircraft commander, knowing how much larger his giant military behemoth was than the civilian aircraft, keyed the mic and asked the 747 captain, "Hey little buddy, what's your gross?" Not to be out done the 747 captain keyed his mic and replied "A little over two hundred thousand dollars a year, how about you?"
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Student pilot to irate instructor: "Think about it. I navigated through a boiling fluid swirling around a rotating sphere that is hurtling around a fusion reaction source at thousands of miles per hour. This system is moving in a circular motion around a black hole at who knows what speed, while the space it takes up is expanding. And I bounced 6 inches. 6 MEASLY INCHES! You need to get off my back, man!"
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Did you hear about the new flight regulations for commercial aircraft? Now all commercial pilots must be able to read and write, hence, the two-pilot rule. One must be able to read and the other write.
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Q. - How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?
A. - Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.
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Helicopters don't fly. They beat the air into submission.
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The purpose of the propeller is to keep the pilot cool. If you don't believe this, just stop it and watch him sweat!
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Q: What makes a helicopter fly?
A: They don't actually fly. They are so ugly, the ground repels them!
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Flying Rules

1 - Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2 - Flying isn't inherently dangerous. It's crashing that's dangerous. 

3 - If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. If you keep pulling the stick all the way back, they get bigger again, quickly, very quickly.

4 - It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5 - The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6 - The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. If it stops, you will see the pilot start sweating.                                                                                                                Back to Aviation Humor Menu  

7 - When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8 - A "good" landing is one from which you can walk away. A "great" landing is one after which the airplane can still be used.

9 - Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10 - You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11 - The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival.

12 - In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground always wins.        Back to the top

13 - Good judgment comes from experience. Experience usually comes from bad judgment.

14 - It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible

15 - Gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to appeal.

16 - Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

17 - The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.                                                                                                                        Back to Aviation Humor Menu  

18 - Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

19 - Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everybody keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. And mountains hide in clouds.

20 - Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

21 - There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

22 - You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

23 - If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

24 - When in doubt, take AMTRAK. They may crash more, but they don't have to fall out of the sky to do it.

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Q. - How do you know if there is a pilot at your party?

A. - He'll tell you.
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The editor of the newspaper shouts to one of his reporters, "There's a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don't worry about the expense."
So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot, "Let's go, take off."
As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him, "See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can."
Incredulous, the pilot says, "You want me to fly over that fire?"
"Sure," the reporter says, "I am a photojournalist and that's why I'm here, to take dramatic shots of the fire!"
The pilot's head snaps around, and with a look of panic on his face he says, "You're not the flight instructor?"

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Q.: How do you know when your date with a pilot is half over?

A.: He says, "but enough about me - wanna hear about my plane?"

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Two Redneck hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bulls. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected he said, "The plane can take out only four of your elk. You will have to leave two behind."

One of the hunters pushed forward, "Hey, last year our pilot let us take out six elk. It was the same model plane, same weather conditions, and everything. What's with this? We want you to allow us to fly out just like last year.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six elk aboard and the men all climbed in with their gear. But when they attempted to take off and fly out of the valley, the little plane could not make it. They crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one Redneck said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other Redneck. "Yep! I think this is about 100 yards further along than where we crashed last year!"

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(And another for you aviation mechanics and homebuilt freaks)


MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE, part 2

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds
them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

today'sTHOT============================

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

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This one is not aviation related (unless you consider that there was an airplane flying over and the the driver was a pilot's mom), but it's funny.


Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.  He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"  So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies--two in the front seat and three in the back--wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" 

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly 22 miles an hour!", the old woman says a bit proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay?  These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer.  We just got off Highway 119."

today'sTHOT============================

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

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C'MON BABY, CLIMB! 

Paul Harvey's radio newscast told of an airline pilot in Arizona who rear-ended a car in front of him while driving home from work one night. He told the traffic court judge that it was late, he was tired, and when he saw the car ahead and realized he couldn't stop in time, he slammed on the gas and pulled back on the steering wheel, fully expecting to go up and over. Verdict: unknown.

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It Is Too Rocket Science

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.


The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for! an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story...

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is bout as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.

And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important.

 


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