THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING

     On Common Sense Stuff

Aviation Humor            Aviation Humor

Logo by Stefan Strasser

              

 

 

 

Military Aviation Humor

 

Some years ago, I was an navigator student on board an Air Force T-43 (Boeing 737) aircraft on a celestial navigation training mission. We were flying a set course that took us through Nevada, Colorado, the Dakotas and back to Mather AFB,CA.   For each leg of the flight, a student navigator student was assigned to navigate the aircraft, providing headings to the pilots that they were required to follow for training purposes.  Unfortunately, the student performing this task had made a number of celestial calculation errors resulting in the aircraft deviating further and further from course.  As we proceeded, the pilot requested ATC clearance for 10 mile deviation, then 20 mile deviation. Each time ATC cleared us for the deviation.  However, when the pilot finally requested a 30 mile deviation from course, the controller called back stating “Gator XX, you are cleared to wander aimlessly about the western skies.”

            Thanks Tim

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

George, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 10 or15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, 
clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk: "George, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a great job, but being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. 
What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General, can I get you coffee, sir?'"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Worse Punishment?
        An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
        The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
        When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Speed Trap - A good one. Thanks DC.

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar   One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet, which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.  The reply came back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to  the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern.  Semper Fi.

A 4 ship formation of military fighter jets was at the holding point of the runway at a civilian airport. Behind them, several civilian airliners and business jets were waiting in turn.

Tower: Gunfighter formation are you ready?
Gunfighter: Negative.
Tower: Gunfighter, advise when ready.
Gunfighter: Roger.

Time ticks by with lots of engines running.

Tower: Gunfighter formation, are you ready?
Gunfighter: Negative.
Tower: You know, the guys behind you pay for their fuel.
Gunfighter: Roger, they pay for ours too!

 

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah", the pilot remarked, " the dreaded seven-engine approach".

 

A Huey Cobra practicing autorotations during a military night training exercise had a problem and landed on the tail rotor, separating the tail boom. Fortunately, it wound up on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s in a brilliant shower of sparks. As the Cobra passed the tower, the following exchange was overheard:

Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"

Cobra: "I don't know, tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!"

 Back to the top  

 

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a pilot in Desert Storm and his plane was hit. He had to bail out over enemy territory and all he had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. He drank the whiskey on the way down so it would not break and then his parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

He shot fifteen of them with the gun until he ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'till the blade broke and then he killed the last Iraqi with his bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?

"Stay the hell away from Uncle Bob when he's been drinking!

Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland during WW II, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield", constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.

There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

 

A young guy in an F-14 fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"Well, I just engaged auto pilot, went for a pee and a coffee. So, could you do that?"

 

 Back to the top

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft).
The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?
The pilot, responded, " We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to come down to it."
He was cleared.  

 

 

 

 

Home    Bookstore   Travel Tips   PHLAPS   Cool Links   Contact   Jokes   Reviews   Glossary

Dedicated to preserving the fine art of spinning a good yarn.