Incredibly Good Fortune
Well folks, I’m sure you all will be very happy to learn that I will soon come into a huge pile of money. The coincidence of the whole thing is just absolutely remarkable. Out of the clear blue, not one, not two, but three incredible offers arrived at my doorstep (email inbox actually) totally unbidden.
Can you believe my good fortune? Three very nice gentlemen from Kenya, completely independent of one another, selected me to help them deal with millions of dollars. They probably heard about my super superior business acumen (Kenya’s a long way away, so they obviously didn’t hear about my “keep investing until it’s all gone” technique).
I’m really excited about all this. So excited in fact that I’m having difficulty deciding on the best response. I’m thinking about something along the lines of the following. What do you guys think?
Dear Sir:
Thank you so very much for selecting me to help you with this very sensitive financial matter.
I, of course, being very astute in these things, recognize the extreme need for confidentiality. Therefore, I plan to go even further than your request not to tell anyone about this situation. Rather than risk some unsavory character finding us out by intercepting my email with my personal financial information you requested, I will send the information by private courier.
Using some very sophisticated software provided by a friend of mine at the CIA (Well, exCIA, but I’m sure those allegations about what he did to people aren’t true), we have been able to determine your true identity and pinpoint your location. So, you need not provide anything further.
My courier Tony (Yes, he’s Italian, but the suggestion that he’s close to the Mafia is mostly unfounded) should arrive in about five days. You’ll be able to recognize him, I’m sure, as he is six feet nine inches tall and weighs about 320 pounds.
Please don’t let the stories about what he did to others to whom he made deliveries concern you. He’s really a nice guy, but it turned out that those other people were not completely honest. That made Tony very angry, and he just couldn’t control himself. Most of those people survived anyway. Since you are totally honest in all respects, you have nothing to worry about.
Oh, and the little “destroy your hard drive/melt your mother board” embedded program that is now a permanent fixture of whatever computer you are using to read this email should be of no concern whatsoever. It is a binary program, the second part of which would be sent only if something went wrong with our deal. That will not happen, of course, so no worries.
I look forward to our transaction. As a sign of good faith, I’ve already reserved a table at the finest restaurant in Nairobi for a celebration dinner upon the completion of the deal. It will be discrete, of course, just you, me, and my very good friend the head of the Kenyan Secret Service.
Trustingly yours,
Your Captain Speaking
I would write more on this astonishingly fortunate situation, but I see that I have 12 more requests for my superior business expertise in my inbox. Must get to those right away before someone else does. And I have to select the interior colors for the jet I’ve ordered. Let me know what you think.
For more on the subject: http://www.snopes.com/crime/fraud/nigeria.asp and http://www.scamdex.com/