THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING

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ATC Humor

ATC: Alitalia 321, continue taxi to the holding position 20R south via tango. Check for workers along taxiway.

Alitalia 321: Roger, 20R via tango. Workers checked, all are working.

ATC - "Flight 1234, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees."

Pilot - "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

ATC - "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Control tower to aircraft that just landed - "Bear right, next intersection"

Pilot - "Roger, we have him in sight"

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A student pilot became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"  

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff".

ATC - "Cessna XXX, What are your intentions? "

Cessna pilot - "To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating."

ATC - "I meant in the next five minutes not years."

A student pilot called in and said he was unsure of his position but he had a town in sight. Since we didn't have him on radar, the controller told him to descend and look for the town's water tower, see what it said on the side, climb back up and tell him. Sure enough in about 3 minutes the pilot called back and said, "Approach, I found the water tower". The controller, feeling rather pleased, asked "And what did it say on the side?" The pilot replied, "It said Seniors, 1978".

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Pilot - Outer marker, inbound.

Tower - Roger, cleared to land runway 36, winds 270 at 21, gusting 29, heavy rain, severe turbulence below 300, RVR 2,000 feet.

Pilot - Roger--cleared to land--and oh, let us know if it gets any worse.

Tower - WORSE?!!!

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."

Solo Student Pilot: "Roger" (Continues descent.)

Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND"

Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)                                                                                                Back to Aviation Humor Menu

Tower: (Screaming) "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"

Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)

So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and continues on to the taxiway.

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights, and return to the airport."

Overheard on Munich Ground Control:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."                                Back to Aviation Humor Menu

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Pilot:  "Approach, Cessna 123, request two practice ILS approaches, followed by the published missed to the VOR to hold, a VOR approach, two NDB approaches, and an ASR approach."

Approach: "Cessna 123 squawk 4753, and would you like fries with that, sir?"

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Airliner: Approach, what's our sequence?

Approach: Calling for the sequence, I missed your call-sign. But if I find out what it is, you're last.

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