THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING
On Common Sense Stuff
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THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING On Common Sense Stuff
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A Long and Lasting What? (From This Is Your Captain Speaking) It happens fairly often. Someone I’m associated with, another pilot, a flight attendant, etc., announces they are soon to be married. I offer my heartiest congratulations or well wishes, smile, pause for the appropriate length of time, then clear my throat and tell them, “I know the secret of a lasting marriage, you know.” That usually garners a quizzical look, not because they are eager at this point to hear the secret but because they are not sure whether I’m serious or not. So, normally, rather than let them suffer in suspense, I’ll charge right ahead. “I do, I know the secret.” It’s surprising how little effort it takes to convince them I am serious. Or maybe it shouldn’t be surprising. Here’s someone about to make a huge, life-changing step. They are eager to hear about anything from any source concerning making the results of that step a little better. I had occasion once to note just how truly receptive to self-help information the soon-to-be-married are. It was on a late night flight from the east coast to the west. The aircraft was full, not an empty seat anywhere, which meant the cockpit was also full of freeloaders. This aircraft, a Boeing 727, has seats for a crew of three and two jumpseaters up front. As captain, I sat in the left seat while my first officer sat in the right with the second officer right behind him, sitting sideways at the engineer’s panel. Behind me, two off duty pilots bumming rides home occupied the jumpseats. I don’t recall just how the subject came up, but it was a long flight, the traffic was very light at that time of night, so subjects ranging from one end of the spectrum to the other were broached. Now it should be noted that pilots in general and airline pilots in particular are certain in their own minds that they are experts on every subject under the sun. So, when one of the jumpseaters made it known he was soon to tie the nuptial knot, a profusion of recommendations for how to make the best of the situation poured forth. I remained silent during the first part of the conversation believing I actually had little expertise in the area of marriage counseling, for while I am nearly the perfect pilot, because of a genetic flaw, I’m not always able to convince myself I know everything about everything, like most of my cohorts. So, I just sat back, answered the occasional radio call, monitored the aircraft, and listened. Though all the others, including Mr. Soon-to-wed, contributed freely and expansively, the discussion was soon dominated by one of the jumpseaters who reported that he knew a great deal more about what makes for a successful marriage than most folks. He was a true expert in that he had only recently entered into his sixth marriage. He went on to illuminate us with the key elements of the successful marriage. It is paramount, he said, to maintain your own personal identities, your own personal space. Each member of the “Holy Union” should be allowed as much freedom as he or she desires. This freedom should include the right to go out with the boys (or girls for the wife) from time to time, the freedom to take separate vacations, the freedom to have your own toys (boats, airplanes, cars, etc.) and, yes, the freedom to sleep with someone else with no guilt. “I really don’t think…” I started, but Mr. Six-and-counting cut me off. He launched into a detailed description of what the prenuptial agreement should look like. According to him, it should cover all bases going in: who gets what and when, if the so-called marriage didn’t work out. “You know, that’s not really…” I tried again, but one of the others interrupted with a question for the marriage guru. Soon he was waxing eloquent about how the finances of the successful marriage should be set up. Everything should be separate, he said, an account for you and one for her. All ownership should be in individual names, with the big items being yours, of course. “Well, I’ve been married to the same woman for twenty plus years and…” Shut down again by instructions on how to not let her run your life. “My parents were married for sixty-five years.” I tried this with more force than before but no one even looked my way. The discussion had turned to how to dominate your mate. I gave up. It became apparent to me that, though I was really the only expert on the subject in the cockpit, no one was interested in what I had to say. I saw The Guru again a few years later. He was at the training center for a check-ride and we had a few minutes to chat over coffee in the cafeteria. Freely, he filled me in on what had been going on in his life. He was on wife number eight. The total of his alimony payments came dangerously close to equaling his paycheck. He had six kids, by three different wives, in drug rehab programs. And the IRS was suing him for irregularities in his reporting. Yep, we airline pilot/marriage counselors sure know how to sort this stuff out. Next time I run across someone soon to be married, rather than offering my own sage advice, I think I’ll just send them to see The Guru. I do know the secret of the lasting marriage, though. And The Guru might even agree with me. Don’t get divorced.
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