THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING

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Logo by Stefan Strasser

Having It All

(From This Is Your Captain Speaking)

It seems one of our pilots, Thumper (the reason for the nickname will become apparent later), had truly learned to live the good life to the hilt. By being in the right place at the right time, he was fortunate enough to become one of those younger than average heavy metal (wide body aircraft) captains, which means he was making more money than a sane man would know how to spend wisely and afforded more time off than any but the truly pious could use and not get into serious trouble.

Thumper was not particularly sane or pious, which means he spent his money foolishly and found any number of creative ways to get into trouble. I guess one could argue that the whole thing wasn’t exactly Thumper’s fault. He was set up. The situation dictated he behave in the manner in which he did. His story goes something like this.

He was a handsome man, physically fit and full of energy. He had been an Air Force fighter jock, which is the thing that doomed him probably more than anything else. You see, while Navy fighter jocks are nearly insufferable in their arrogance and conceit, they have each and every one had those humbling, near-death experiences at the backend of the ship (aircraft carrier) that tend to bring them down a notch or two. The Air Force pukes have never had the good fortune of trying to keep the meatball lined up on a dark and stormy night while the deck upon which he hopes to land is pitching around like a cork in a recently flushed toilet bowl.

 So, Thumper was doomed from the start. Doomed to believe he had the God-given right to every luxury and benefit life had to offer. A right to his five thousand square foot home, his cabin in the Rockies, and his condo on the beach. A right to his new Mercedes, his pickup truck, and his antique Porsche. And most of all he believed that because he was far too much man for any one woman, he had the right to experience the pleasure of every decent looking woman on the face of the earth in whatever way he so desired.

 He, therefore, had, in addition to a strikingly beautiful wife, several girlfriends and one kept woman. Now, the girlfriends were no problem for a man of Thumper’s prodigious talents to stay up with. They made few demands upon him. He saw them only when he blew through town on a layover and only then if the mood struck him. They needed an occasional good time only. The wife and the kept woman, on the other hand, were getting more and more demanding of his time and his money.

 By using some truly creative financing tactics, he was able to keep ahead of their monetary requirements. Making enough time for them both, though, was getting harder than even a super human stud like Thumper could manage.

 His woman, as he called her, (as opposed to his wife) was an ex-flight attendant. She couldn’t be fooled by his putting on his uniform and marching out the door announcing that he had been called out for an extra trip. And she was the one of the two who began to demand the most, for she knew of the wife and was jealous. His wife knew nothing of his woman.

 While cavorting in the arms of one of his extraneous girlfriends one evening, Thumper decided to dump both his wife and his woman. All their demands, nagging, and complaining were just getting to be too much. Yes, he’d get rid of them both and enjoy his life as he should, free and carefree.

 When he got back off the trip he was flying, he would tell his wife he wanted a divorce. As for his woman, he would simply not show up at her place anymore and stop sending her money. Life was about to get a lot easier, less complicated.

 Or so he thought.

 Arriving home very late at night (early in the morning) at the end of his trip, he was surprised to see that his wife was still up. She didn’t usually wait for him. Though absolutely beat (not so much from his trip as from his extracurricular activities) he started to act pleased to see her, until he caught a good view of the expression on her face.

 Before he had even set his bags down, she fixed him with a steely glare and demanded, “Do you know a Monica Dupree?”

 It wasn’t often that Thumper was at a loss for words, but this was one of those rare occasions. It was probably just as well though. Whatever he might have said would not have been good.

 “I have a letter here that suggests you do,” his wife continued. “And I’ve been through our bank records and seen canceled checks that suggests you do.”

 “You got a letter from Monica?” he squeaked. He couldn’t imagine why his woman would write to his wife.

 “No. No, Romeo, not from Monica. From her lawyer. You are being sued for palimony.”

 Ol’ Thumper hadn’t survived this long as a free spirited man-about-town without being quick on the uptake. He recognized the jig was up; there was no hope for rebuttal.

 He did the only thing logical to him at the time. He fell on his knees at her feet. He cried. He moaned in agony. He confessed his utter folly. He begged forgiveness in terms that would have made Shakespeare proud.

 Not a word of his discourse was sincere. It was still his intention to divorce his wife as soon as the time was right. But, being the silver-tongued devil he was, he won her over. The very next day they went, hand in hand, to see an attorney to begin mounting their defense against this hideous attack on their happy home.

 The lawyer, an old college buddy of Thumper’s, let it be known that the suit, though it might seem frivolous at first blush, had to be taken very seriously. There had been several of a similar type in the state recently in which prominent people had wound up paying millions to their consorts.

 Thumper didn’t want to pay millions. He just wanted to be rid of his woman and then rid of his wife so that he could have some serious fun. His lawyer buddy wasn’t too optimistic. Thumper pressed for some sort of strategy.

 Yes, there was a tactic that would probably work, but it was a bit drastic. Thumper was willing (anything to avoid paying millions and get him back to the fun times). His lawyer buddy steepled his fingers under his chin in a lawyerly fashion and then laid out the plan.

 Thumper would need to immediately transfer all of his assets into his wife’s name only. This would put them at arm’s length from his woman and her lawyers.

 “You mean the boat and the airplane too.” Thumper felt his throat constrict.

 “Everything. Even your cash accounts.”

 It wouldn’t matter, of course, since he and his wife were still together. He would still have access to everything.

 But there was one thing more to be done. Thumper was paid a considerable salary on a regular basis. His woman would be able to get at that unless it were in some way legally encumbered. After the transfer of assets, he and his wife would have to get a divorce, a divorce in which she would be given the largest alimony settlement possible. It wouldn’t matter. It would be purely for legal defense. They would still be together. He would still have access to everything.

 Thumper looked at his wife, who with loving eyes, squeezed his hand and nodded her reluctant acceptance of the horrible but necessary plan. He felt as though he had dodged a huge bullet. He was getting most of what he wanted without appearing to be trying to do so. His woman would be beaten in her legal maneuvering. He would already have his divorce and he could go back to court later to get the alimony reduced; that is, if he couldn’t just talk his wife (ex-wife) into reducing it. All right, the Thumper wins again!

 The plan was put into effect with all haste.

 His first inkling that all might not be well came when the palimony case brought against him by his woman went very poorly, very poorly indeed. The transfer of assets trick did work, but the judge saw through it, of course, and awarded his woman a huge portion of his salary. His lawyer buddy just shook his head and allowed as how he simply couldn’t understand how it could have happened.

 Shortly thereafter the divorce settlement, which had been delayed because of some unknown legal entanglements, became final. The alimony set by the judge, who was not in communication with the judge presiding over the palimony case, was huge as planned. So huge, in fact, that the sum of the palimony garnishment plus the alimony was slightly more than the total of what Thumper made.

 Thumper would have panicked except he remembered his wife (ex-wife) was on his side. He still had access to her portion of his paycheck, the alimony. He would start talking to her about reducing the alimony right away, just in case.

 The true nature of his state of affairs didn’t become apparent to him until he returned from his next trip to find the locks on the doors to his (his wife’s, that is ex-wife’s) house had been changed. She was nowhere to be found, having left on an extended vacation somewhere in South America.

 Yeah, you’ve probably guessed it. She ran off with Thumper’s lawyer buddy.

 He would have sued. He certainly had grounds. There were all kinds of malpractice and conspiracies of several sorts. But he couldn’t come up with enough money to hire another lawyer.

 In fact, the last time I saw him, he was sleeping in the crew lounge at the airport. I don’t mean he was taking a nap between flights, as so many pilots do. I mean he was living there, because he couldn’t afford to pay for any place else. Word has it he eats from the extra food left on the airplanes. Someone told me he was driving a taxi between airline trips, because the fares are paid in cash.

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